God said, “Write.” So I wrote.
With each week that I posted an article, a familiar itch started to creep back in. I started to get caught up in the details and “shiny new things” of blogging and the internet. I wanted to do this and that! I needed to spend my time learning. I have fun products in mind and I was anxious to get them launched. All this is GREAT. Except for one tiny detail. When I see a new shiny thing or get a new idea, I run for it. I run for it like I am at a sample sale in NYC. Blinders go up, aggression sets in and I go for the prize stopping at nothing on the way. I took my focus off writing. I forgot about the main goal. To write.
Having this lovely habit, of tipping the scales towards one goal at the expense of everything else in my life has led me to be fiercely protective of my life balance for the past year or so. It took a very serious health scare to brings my focus back to where it needed to be. For too many years I ignored my boys and my husband when they needed me all in the name of “work”. The funny thing is that they don’t feel like they were ignored or robbed. But I know. I know that I wasn’t doing what I should have been doing. I wasn’t passionate about my job and I was trying to be someone that I wasn’t, someone I thought I was supposed to be.
Getting “back in the game” had me nervous. There would be lots of potential triggers to allow me to knock my life right out of balance. When I finally agreed to write. I told God that He needed to lead me through my internal battle with life balance. His response was terrifying. He simply said, “Write.”
Not a promise in sight.
I set my alarm for 5am the next morning.
The alarm went off and I got up. I walked over to my desk and asked, “Now what?”
I heard, “Write.”
So I wrote.
Words came easily from my finger tips. While I was writing, insecurity started to creep in. Questions came. “What about this task, and what about that?”
I heard, “Write.”
So I wrote.
Then instruction after instruction came to me.
“Title the post this”
“Get up, close your computer and go on with your day. You are done for today.”
I’m not sure how to describe my fear for the rest of that day. The first day back at “work”. Before, I would be frustrated when I was with my family. Annoyed that I had work to do. Then, when working, I would resent my job because I wanted nothing else but to be with my family. I had no confidence that I could control my attitude and thought pattern. But I got up and walked away from my desk anyway. My palms were sweating and my chest felt like I had drank too much coffee.
In a cautious fog, I showered, dressed and went downstairs for breakfast. As everyone joined me, a wave of doubt washed over me. I thought to myself, “They are going to talk and I am going to think about work. I will never be able to be present. Why did I do this to myself!”
But I was! I was present! I enjoyed the conversation and focused only on my tasks for the family. I couldn’t believe it. I was jumping for joy and was in complete disbelief on the inside and out, I was the same person I was the day before. The day before I decided to go back to “work.” We were 30 minutes into our day and I was doing it! I kept trying to make myself think about work, but when I did it was a non-issue. I had no feeling to towards it other than, “Yeah, that’s a thing I did earlier and I’ll do it again.”
A terrible and destructive habit had been altered because I had simply asked God to help me with it. I had handed it over to Him and worried about my mission. The one God asked me to do. Write. I simply just said, “I need You to handle this for me” and I handed it over. I have never let anything go like that. It was amazing and simple.
If I was to think about exactly how I handed over my issue to God,
I would say that it was a test from me to God. It was more of a “Sure, I’ll write – but while I do, why don’t you hold this live grenade of destructive behavior I have. ‘Kay?” I have thrown a lot of those God’s way and wouldn’t you believe He has come through every time?
Step one went great. But as you know, there are so many steps past the first. Most of all knowing what I would like to do with this blog and what I can get done in a timely manor. In keeping with my delicate blog / life balance, things move slower than they used to. They say, “Old habits die hard.” It’s true. I want to go a million miles a minute, but I know it will bring me to a place where I do not want to be. So God benched me. I feel a bit like a toddler with overalls on. Every time I start to run in the wrong direction, God just picks me up by the straps across my back and sets me down on the right path. I look at the path I just ran from and start running in the direction I was headed. So God picks me up again, and sets me down facing the right direction. I do it again, so He put me on the bench. In a mental “time-out” if you will.
So here we are on the bench. I have exciting things in the works for you! But all things in good time and the good time, is taking longer than I would like. Being obedient becomes being patient and remembering to stay connected to God and our original goal. For me to write and stay in a good place for myself and my family. God didn’t say, write and get a new fancy email provider, cool graphics and lots of other things. He said, “Write”. So I write and remember that He knows best. I just need to type one letter in front of the other.
It’s easy to take the direction that God has given us and run a million different ways, at a million miles a minute. That is when the human in us gets in the way. Sometimes the simplest of instructions are the hardest to follow. Have you ever taken an instruction from God and just ran with it in the complete wrong direction? I feel like God reached down to me and put me on the bench. Saying, “Slow down. Write. Go the way I told you, and you will get there.”
I’m definitely laughing with you and not at you when I ask, “Who’s with me on the bench?”